I've talked to my partner about opening our marriage, now what?
They get to have an opinion? OMG?!
One of the most frequent questions I get from my readers over on Medium has to do with how to bring up opening a marriage or relationship with a partner. Or, comments surrounding how they’ve had the discussion with their partner and GASP, their partner wasn’t open to the prospect.
I have to tell you a little secret.
Your partner isn’t required to be of the same mindset you are. I know, shocking, isn’t it?
I have another secret.
This is going to come as a serious surprise and may change your entire outlook on life. You also don’t have to be of the same mindset as your partner.
Before everyone comes for me in the comments (but please, go ahead and subscribe just so you can) take a step back. I am not giving the go ahead for full on relationship anarchy here. Nor am I saying if you want to be in an open relationship or to engage in polyamory, that you should do so without the blessing of your partner.
What I am saying is, you can, if that’s what you choose to do.
But know, there are likely going to be consequences.
Here’s the thing. You can of course wake up one morning and decide to call yourself polyamorous and walk about the world behaving as such. Anyone can. You can convince yourself since you sat down with your partner, had the conversation, explained your feelings, your wants, your desires, even your needs, and you told them this is what you wanted, it’s okay that you’re now declaring yourself poly.
However, that doesn’t mean you’re doing it ethically if your partner is not onboard with the decision.
But it’s not fair, you say. What about what I need!
Trust me, I get it. I’ve been there. I’ve also been on your partner’s side of things. Except, eventually, I caved. I went ahead and agreed to things because I didn’t want to lose my husband at the time. I wanted to do what I felt was right, what he needed. I thought, you know, maybe it won’t be so bad.
And in the beginning, it wasn’t. We were both enjoying ourselves. We made a set of rules, I was following them and later found, he was not. He only agreed to them on the surface, to ‘keep the peace’.
Once I realized he was getting everything he wanted and I was simply along for the ride, it was time for me to cut my losses and move on. Looking back, I can’t say with certainty he would have just gone forward with being poly without my blessing, but I’m pretty sure he would have. Our marriage may have ended sooner than it did had I not just agreed. One thing’s for sure. It was fated to end, one way or another.
In situations where one partner has desires the other is not onboard with, ending the relationship isn’t always the end result. It’s possible your partner may tell you they can be okay with you following your desires, while they remain monogamous. It happens, I’ve seen it. I’ve lived it. The key is open, honest, and vulnerable communication at all times.
You have to decide for yourself, if you have the conversation with your partner about opening your relationship, and they tell you unequivocally it is not something they can do, it is not something they are okay with you doing, is this a deal breaker for you? Where do you go from there? Will you be able to remain in your marriage and be happy with what you have? Or will you choose to walk away?
If this is something you would like to dive deeper with, I would love to set up an e-appointment with you to discuss it. I’m an intimacy and relationship coach who enjoys working with individuals and couples who are exploring all facets of their relationships, whether they are monogamous, polyamorous, or somewhere in between. All sessions are private. Thirty minute calls are $50, sixty minute calls are $100. Please reply to this email to set up a session.